Monday, September 18, 2017

Why Not?


It's funny... no... it's SCARY just how much your life can change in such a short amount of time.
At the beginning of this month when Lyndon wanted to meet up, I was nervous about what he was going to say. He made me the happiest girl in the world by telling me he's miserable without me and he wanted to try again. We had 6 days after that... 6 days of pure bliss.. Of cuddles, kisses, adventures with penguins, nights in with nandos and red wine, laughing throughout games on his Xbox. I was so happy. I fell more in love than ever before. Things just felt right. Then, me being me, I went and cocked it all up.

The horrible thing is that I really don't believe that it was my fault. I've got a major hormone imbalance right now. Some of the big symptoms are irritability / mood swings, night sweats, acne, fatigue (I mean, on our first weekend back together I was too tired to join him at his friends birthday BBQ), and depression.
It was Sunday... we were at a wine farm finishing off the most wonderful day together in which he even surprised me with the cutest little beaded penguin (it really is the small things...). I brought something up that was bothering me. I only ever intended to talk... to work through it with good communication... but this fight erupted. The result of our combined stubbornness and my crazy hormone imbalance. I hate my body for making me lose the one thing I was so serious about it life... but it's done now. Never again. Unless it's happened to you, you'll never understand the feeling of the person you love pushing you away when you try to hug them.
I cannot subject myself to that amount of heartache again. He doesn't want me anymore. He's had enough.

It's finally made me realise that in the future if I do ever want a happy, lasting relationship I need to make some serious changes. I have such a temper and I know how irrational I can be. I am excruciatingly stubborn and yes, I do drink too much.
I really need to work on myself now... not on a relationship that already failed once.
You should never go back to finding happiness where you already lost it.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, so that is going to be my focus. I am not happy in Cape Town. I don't know anyone. I'm lonely. I'm stuck in almost 2 hours traffic every day...

Once again I moved somewhere for a guy, like I did with Spain for Simon. I will not allow myself to make that mistake again. That said, it is time for me to do something for myself. Put 'me' before everyone else for once. So today, as daunting as it is, I'm resigning from my job. Next month I'm flying to Bali to start my new chapter... or better put, my new book. Literally and figuratively.

I am petrified, but when you have nothing left to lose you need to ask yourself the question... Why Not?
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1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry that happened, but I think you'll have a wonderful time in bali, chasing your dreams. Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete

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